Seasonal Depression

I am, a self-diagnosed sufferer of seasonal depression.

Whether seasonal depression exists or if I have it, is definitely a decision made at your own discretion. However for the sake of this post, let us deem those questions irrelevant. According to what I know, seasonal depression is a type of situational depression that afflicts its victims during the winter months. On a biological level, it is apparently the body's reaction to a lack of exposure to sunlight and vitamin D. However, now that I live in the sunshine state, where the sun shines aplenty all year round, I wonder if my reaction is not due to the sun (or lack thereof) but to something else that occurs between January and April.

The phrase "seasonal depression" did not enter my vocabulary until I was twenty. This was in part because it was somewhat of a newly discovered condition at the time and also because I had never experienced changes in my demeanor during the winter before. The first year it struck, I figured it was due to my finally coming to terms with my father's death. It had happened three years prior but I had never really dealt with it myself. I was young and was the "strong" one. I don't think there is anything wrong with this and do not feel that it hurt me in any way. That was the way I dealt with the emotions (or lack of at the time) that came with losing a father.

As anyone with experience can tell you, your emotions will find you and you will need to deal with them, sooner or later. For me, it was later. The winter of 2004 to be exact. Looking back, the timing is strange to me. I had recently re-united with the love of my life and had begun taking classes again (after a semester off) that I was really enjoying. Some of my closest friends from high school, like myself, had diverted from the path's of higher education that they had chosen after graduation and had ended up back home. Honestly it was a fun winter. I remember doing well in my classes, having weekly bonfires with my friends and falling in love all over again with my now fiance. But I also remember waking up unable to get out of bed, using food for comfort which turned into weight gain, sobbing in the arms of my love and not understanding why I felt this way.

After finding me on the couch unable to stop crying for no apparent reason one day, my mother decided it was time to see the doctor. My sister had become very depressed after my father's death and had had success with medications the doctor had prescribed. I imagined my mom felt that maybe I was being affected in the same way. So I saw the doctor. She wasn't overly concerned and honestly neither was I. I was not suicidal and outside of missing a few classes and a few days of work, it wasn't interfering with my life in a way that was extraordinarily detrimental. But I was struggling and my doctor could see that. After assessing my condition, my doctor decided that I did not need prescription medication but would go a more natural route. Although at the time I was disappointed, now I'm very glad she reacted this way. My doctor never used the term 'seasonal depression.' But she was clear about the fact that I was not clinically depressed. She thought that the dreary conditions of winter could be part of the cause and sent me home with vitamins and told me to try to spend some time in the sun. It made sense, and I was glad that my condition was not of too much consequence and that it would probably pass. And it did. The snow melted, the semester ended and I felt better. And I thought it had been temporary.

The following two winters came and went and I was fine. Then came the winter I lived in a basement. Again, when I look back the timing is strange. I had recently joined a sorority at my university which had instantly given me a new group of friends. I was also part of other organizations on campus and doing very well in school. My then-boyfriend-now-fiance and I, although struggling with being somewhat long distance were doing well. This time, I fault that basement. I had planned on commuting to school that year seeing that the costs for on-campus housing were astronomical and to me not worth the price. However, my mother, being a mother could not bear the thought of her oldest daughter making the hour plus drive to and from school especially during the winter. I also was not really looking forward to it so I investigated other options. Luckily, a few weeks before school began in September, I found what I thought was the perfect solution. A teacher, who lived just ten minutes from the university was going through a divorce and needed someone to watch her two children in the morning. All that was really required was to get them up, ready and on the bus to school. In exchange a room would be provided. I thought this would end up like one of those movies about the nannies who become the big sister the children never had. What fun! Well as we all know, movies generally do not accurately reflect reality. The children were not terrible but not by any means delightful. I imagine this was due to the fact that their parents were divorcing and their father had run off to Maine, all while they were trying to pass the 2nd and 4th grades. The room I was given to live in was their basement. Prior to the estranged father/husband leaving the family, he had taken over this basement and essentially hidden out there until he had the courage and where with all to leave altogether. The children loitered in the doorway of my room the day I moved in and nervously watched as I began to change things and remove the remnants of their father's hiding place. I wanted to make it my own home away from home, the dorm room I couldn't afford. So I re-arranged. It was more homey, more inviting once I was done, however nothing could be done to change the fact that the only natural light that entered the room came from a tiny, probably 2 foot by 2 foot window high above my bed. The symptoms from three years before returned. I missed some classes but nothing that would cause anyone else to worry. But I knew those feelings, I had felt them before. But just as before, the snow melted, the semester ended and I felt better.

Unlike the first time, the symptoms returned year after year, but as they had before they passed with the coming of each spring. Then I spent my first winter in Florida. I had moved here the previous summer to pursue my Disney career. Mind you this time, when the symptoms came, their onset was much more understandable. I was working at a job I did not like, I had moved here for Disney and was not even working there. I had no friends and lived alone in a tiny garage that had been converted into a studio apartment by a family who barely spoke any English. My then-boyfriend-now-fiance had a job that caused him to work late nights that in turn caused us to have much less time to spend together. But as it always does (in New England anyway) the snow melted, and I felt better again. This time it was different. My life had actually changed for what seemed was the better. I felt back on track again and felt that no, this could not be seasonal depression this year. I lived in FLORIDA for crying out loud! No, that winter it was situational. And I entirely believed it. Until this winter. This background story, however lengthy (apologies to my readers), has finally brought me to the meaning of writing this post.

This winter, again, I find myself suffering from what I only assume (and honestly hope) is seasonal depression. But this time, it doesn't make any sense. I still live in Florida, where although it has been colder than usual, the sun has been shining ever so brightly. I share a house with five friends that has large windows allowing me to soak up that beautiful sunshine. I have a job that I like, working for the company I moved here for and I'm getting married in just five months. Then I ask, what is causing the feelings to return? When they first began, I ignored them thinking, "What is wrong with you? You have everything you been wanting for so long! Stop being ridiculous" Then I began to pay attention to them, wondering, "why have these feelings returned?" The logic alludes me. So I rationalize. I don't have any friends, but I do have fiance who loves me. I have a job I like, but I am so far down the totem pole and part of such a large group of employees that my contributions are essentially meaningless. I am easily replaced. The stress of planning a wedding is getting to me but, I'm getting MARRIED! This back and forth could go on for days. What then is the cause? Is it situational? Is it seasonal? Is it even possible to be affected by seasonal depression when the biological causes are not there? Is it something else? I can't figure it out.

However, I would bet money that the snow will melt in New England, this winter will end and I will feel better again. The true test will come when we change the calenders to 2011 and winter comes to Florida again. What will happen then? I can only wonder and wait.

Thanks for reading.