I cannot manage my emotions.
I was going to say I can't manage my stress but then realized I can't manage my anger either and thinking about it more, I realized I even have trouble managing my positive emotions too. (hmm I hope I'm not bi-polar). I'm very extreme in all my emotions. Ask anyone. When I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm angry - watch out. When I'm sad, it just takes over all of me. Everything is so terrible, so dramatic. Ugh. The longer I'm married, the longer I realize how blessed and lucky I am that my husband dated me so long, never mind agreed, even wanted to marry me...as in deal with me FOREVER.
I took a class in college called "stress management." Although our professor preferred to call it "stress solutions" because that was what she wanted to teach us. She didn't want us to only find ways to manage our stress but give us the tools (solutions) to avoid the stress altogether. It was by far the best class I ever took in college. After the first day, I understood why the class always filled up on the first day of registration. Senior registration. Freshman, sophomores, even juniors only got in if they knew someone who could save them a spot. Not only was our professor amazing but everything we learned was applicable to real life and not only in college, for everything in life. I learned so much in that class that I use everyday but for some reason, I still feel like my emotions are out of control most of the time. And the thing is that is when they aren't extreme, I feel nothing. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way but I wish I could feel "normal." Or maybe this is "normal." I really don't know.
I also have this problem that my body almost always coinsides exactly with my emotions. I always get sick when I'm stressed. I can't sleep even if I'm exhausted and that just continues the vicious cycle. Its exhausting, especially when you're already exhausted...ahhh. I'm getting tired just writing this. I also have a tendency to let myself get stressed before anything even happens. For example, last weekend was very relaxing. Hubs and I went out for our anniversary and a friends birthday on Thursday and spent the rest of our weekend relaxing. We really didn't do much of anything but take advantage of getting to spend time together. We are very recently back on the same sleep schedule and its only temporary so I'm definitely taking advantage of that fact while I can. And then yesterday, I realized I start grad school next week, my work schedule bid is coming up and we don't know what shift hubs will be on or for how long. And the stress creeps in. Stress about things that haven't even happened yet. And I sit here; huge dark bags under my eyes from barely sleeping last night, stomachache from the amount of coffee I drank today, my neck tight from it all. And I think I'm catching hubs' cold to boot. Saying to myself, 'I'm so exhausted, so stressed out.' From what? Nothing! A nice, relaxing weekend with my husband?! Unreal. Only I would do this to myself. I'm hoping that once I start school and this work scheduling business is over, I'll feel better. I'm sure I will. I'll get caught up in school work and at work with all the holiday business. I swear I'm the only person I know who gets stressed out when things "die down" and feel better when I'm extremely busy and have stretched myself too thin. I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading.
BC17-8/15
No comments:
Post a Comment